


the way things are

by Svartur



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 19:10:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18629494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Svartur/pseuds/Svartur
Summary: My crackhead theory for the next clip: Resident trans guru Andi forcibly rubs Matteo's two remaining braincells together so he can come to his senses and go after David.





	the way things are

Matteo’s head feels shockingly empty. He’s been blasting his music so loud that not a single thought can survive in his head, but there is a distant voice clawing its way back to the surface.

You just fucked something up. You let something go and you shouldn’t have.

He’s reeling, his head spinning and not a single coherent thought will form in his head anymore. It feels like the smoke he’s breathing in is going straight to his head instead of his lungs, fogging everything up.

He presses the butt of his spent joint into the ashtray and swings himself off his armchair. His mouth feels like he’s been chewing on cotton balls, so he makes his way to the kitchen to get a drink

It’s already 10 am so he doesn’t avoid the creaking floorboards when he steps into the kitchen, but to his surprise there is a guy standing at the sink, groaning and rubbing his temples from the noise. He has a glass of water in his hand, sizzling with some aspirin. He squints at Matteo like he’s an annoying sunray filtering through the blinds when you’re trying to sleep out your hangover. He downs the glass of water.

Matteo remembers him, his name is Andi. Loud music, hands on his hips and warm breath on his neck, the feeling of being a caged animal. Andi.

“Matteo, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You look fucked up.”

Matteo pointedly gives the guy a once-over. Real rich coming from him.

“Right, right.” admits Andi.

He drags himself over to the one of the barstools and sits down, gesturing for Matteo to take his place on the other stool. He does as he’s told.

“Listen. I wanted to apologize, for the other night. Wait, do you even remember?”

“Yes. You hit on me.”

“Yeah well. You say that like it’s a crime. Anyway. I should have noticed you were uncomfortable, so I’m sorry.”

Matteo would like to appreciate the apology, but all he can think of is the heavy feeling in his bones after his panic attack and the way his heart fluttered when David leaned in to kiss him that night.

“Jesus, you still mad? What is it with you straight guys.”

“’m not straight.” It feels weird to say it, still. Yet, strangely liberating.

“Not straight and not into me? Impossible.” Andi sounds like he knows the joke is lame.

“So there is someone, right?”

Matteo feels like an open book sometimes, like everyone can crack open his spine and read him and he’s not sure if it’s scary or comforting. Words often fail him, so maybe it’s not so bad if they’re just written on his body. He just stares at Andi.

“There was someone?”

“I don’t know.” He’s mumbling into his sweater. Matteo imagines a lonely little island, imagines he can see Jonas, Abdi and Carlos and Hans in the distance and none of them can know what’s going on. He had been building bridges but now he was stranded once again, with David’s secret as his only companion.

“Tell me about him, if you want.”

“He uh- I know him from school. He’s new even though we’re so close to graduating and he never tells me a lot about himself.”

“Oh the mysterious type, those are exciting.”

“Yeah, well. I never felt like this about anyone, ever. I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve been thinking about him nonstop since I met him. I can’t get him out of my head.”

It’s like he can feel the thick, brown hair between his fingers again and like those sad, brown eyes are staring at him again. The ache in his chest is familiar by now.

The look on Andi’s face is a little dopey, like he’s watching a stupid romcom movie. But it’s just Matteo and his tragic love life.

“Where’s the catch?”

“He’s confusing.”

“The best people are.”

Admittedly, there had been something charming about David’s mysteriousness, even if it had been frustrating. In retrospect, though, he feels his heart twist in pain when he thinks about all the ways David pulled away from him.

“He told me today, why he’s so confusing. He said he’s transgender. You know what that means?”

Andi smirks a little, and there’s an amused glint in his eyes, like he knows something that Matteo doesn’t.

“Sure. I’m familiar.”

Matteo is scratching at the kitchen table. Scratch, scratch, scratch.

“I don’t know what it means. I thought he was just a boy.”

“Not just some boy. The boy you like.”

Andi gets up to refill his glass of water, seeming slightly concerned now.

“Matteo. You look like a guy with a lot of dumb questions on his mind. Care to share them with me?”

“Am I still gay?”

As Andi winces a little, things begin to dawn on Matteo.

“A guy with a crush on a guy sounds pretty gay to me.”

Matteo puts his head in his hands. He’s stupid, he doesn’t know what his problem is. He misses the way David smells and it’s only been a few hours.

Leaning forward heavily, Andi taps Matteo’s forehead one, two, three times. He’s still drunk.

“You’re getting into your head. Putting up rules and restrictions that don’t exist. How do you _feel_?”

The fog begins to lift in his head, and he hears the echo of a whistle, the echo of a laugh. A boy who pulled him back to the surface and let him exhale. Yesterday, just before David left, the silence between them had felt suffocating.

“I think I uh. I might be in love.”

Andi nods, satisfied. “That’s all you need to know really. Sometimes when we don’t expect things, they are a shock to our system. Because we’re so used to things working a certain way, that any difference and any deviation feels like it doesn’t belong. But then you have look at things and consider how they really are. Not how you think they should be or what they are meant to be, just what they _are._ ”

He stares at Matteo intently for a few seconds, waiting for him to get it but there is still a missing piece.

“When I was your age, I wasn’t stealth but god knows if I had been I would not have told anyone at a new school. Certainly not a boy I liked. No greasy teenage boy is worth that risk. No offense.”

“You’re probably right.” Matteo chuckles.

“Anyway. That boy of yours, he must really, really like you, if he told you. That was a brave thing that he did for you.”

The ache in Matteos chest feels almost unbearable now.

“Still confused? Look at everything again, now. Tell me what’s really happening.”

“The boy I’m in love with kept a secret that was hurting him for weeks because he was scared of how I would react and when he told me I let him walk out the door without a word.”

It comes crushing down on him in waves, the shame, the hurt and the longing. He fucked up.

Andi pats his shoulder fondly, then grabs it as leverage to get up so he can shuffle back into bed.

“Go get your man Matteo.”


End file.
